Category Archives: attitude

Number One Regret of the Dying

If you’ve ever heard me speak, you know I’m not a real Debbie Downer. But today’s post is a little more serious. It’s about dying with regrets. In the book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, nurse Bronnie Ware discovered that the regrets of the dying boil down to five general attitudes. Over the next few posts I’d like to explore their regrets with you, in hopes that we all can avoid them.

This week I want to focus on just one—the Number 1 regret of the dying…

“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

As a chronic people-pleaser, this regret hits uncomfortably close to home. How many times have I stifled my dreams, goals and even my identity in order to comply with others? How many times have I yielded to the beliefs and expectations of people around me—instead of pursuing the things that would have brought me the greatest fulfillment.

Here’s some of the “expectations” that I wrestled with for quite some time:

“Starting your own business in this economy is not a good idea. It’s better to stick with a job at a bigger, more stable corporation.”

“This is the way it’s always been done.”

“If you can’t do something perfectly the first time, why try it at all?”

But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized something quite profound. The people with expectations of you are not living your life. Deep, right?

But seriously, if I had always yielded to the expectations of others, I would have missed out on the best experiences I’ve had in this life so far!

  • Falling in love with my bride Tina.
  • Starting my own company
  • Writing two books (and working on a third!)
  • Owning up to the fact that I hate eating green things.

In every one of the situations I mentioned, I’ve had some opposition. Sometimes people are jealous of your own dreams and ambitions. Even more often, they are afraid of change. Expect it. Better yet, embrace it! After all, the people you believe are putting down your ideas might actually be some of your greatest allies in your success. Consider their critiques. Let them force you to reexamine your dreams and your plans so that you can refine them and make them even better. I talk about this for an entire chapter in my book Leadership Redefined.

In Ware’s book, she notes that, “Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.” Don’t let the expectations of others hold you back—because one day your body will. Let go of people-pleasing today, and die without regrets.

How to Beat Workplace Burnout Like a Marathoner

Hidden in the canyons of Mexico’s Copper Canyon lives a shy tribe of people called Tarahumara, or the Running People. The Tarahumara live quiet lives, growing corn and beans and living in family groups in huts and caves often perched precipitously on the mountain cliffs. They are also all ultra-runners.Marathon-Runners---Black-Silhouette-Sunset

At social gatherings and celebrations, the Running People will conclude the festivities with a friendly footrace. A footrace up to 200 miles, that is. For a guy like me that is out of breath after four miles on the treadmill, the thought of these people running through mountain passes in handmade sandals sounds more like a mirage than a reality.

In Christopher McDougall’s book Born to Run, he marvels that in the midst of a 100-mile ultramarathon they, “churned up the slope like kids playing in a leaf pile.” Laughing. Smiling. Somehow enjoying a 100 mile run. For the Tarahumara, running wasn’t a chore—it was a time to connect with their world and with one another.

Now lets step back from the Copper Canyon and into your city, your home and your workplace. You’re fed up with the job you used to love. Coworkers you’ve collaborated with for years are grating on your nerves. Projects that excited you in the beginning seem stale and dusty. Like the American runners racing against the Tarahumara, you’ve burnt out, and you’ve got 150 miles left to run.

How do you return to the blissful state where you began? Mental toughness.

I know, I wish I had a different answer too. But oftentimes the only element in our day that we can actually control is our attitude. And, when the boss is happy and the workload is light it’s easy to stay upbeat. Throw in an irate customer, a missed deadline and some extra rush-hour traffic, and then you have a training ground for mental toughness. Here’s a few tips from the Running People themselves

Take Shorter Steps—your burnout might be the result of overextending yourself. Instead of focusing on everything you need to get done this week, focus on the five things you need to get done today. Break larger projects up into small pieces and knock them out one at a time.

Lose the Shoes—After researchers studied indigenous groups like the Tarahumara, they discovered these groups experienced far less injury than Westerners with hi-tech and cushy running shoes. At work, sometimes the very things we think we need are the things creating problems. Have you gotten bogged down in party planning drama or chasing down someone by email instead of picking up the phone? Maybe it’s time to pick up speed by simplifying your processes. Lose the shoes.

Look to your elders—Would you believe that among the Tarahumara, the best runners are often the oldest!? Though it seems contrary to nature, it’s true. The runners with years of experience have honed their speed, footwork, diet, and strategy. The same is true of great leaders in any industry. If you want to avoid burnout, begin to note the habits of those a few years down the road, and a few rungs up the ladder from where you find yourself.

Never run alone—In Tarahumara culture, racing is a means of bringing the community together. How would our workplaces change if we viewed collaborative work in the same way? Sure you might feel like the project is about as fun as running uphill in the boiling Mexico sunlight, but there is some solidarity in enduring it together. Find at least one person at your workplace who you know you can lean on during a particularly tough day. But be prepared to return the favor.

Mental toughness is choosing these attitudes and practices over the feeling of burnout. It doesn’t matter if you’re running 100 miles or just trying to make it through the last 100 days of school with a rowdy classroom. When nothing around you seems to be changing, change your attitude. After all, it’s a marathon not a sprint.

The 4 Filters

You can find great truth in the old saying, “There are two things that can never be taken back, the sped arrow and the spoken word.” Boy, is that true.

Have you ever found yourself trying to get those “just spoken” words back into your mouth? I know I have. It is as futile as trying to get the toothpaste back in the tube…once it’s out, it’s out.

I don’t know why we have a propensity to do this—maybe in the fast pace of this world in which we live, we find our words flying out of our mouths before being deflected by thought.

Years ago I heard a speaker (I think it was Chuck Swindoll) share what has become, for me, a tried and true skill for helping me in this area.  He said (and I will paraphrase) “Before allowing any words to come out of your mouth, make sure you run them through the four filters:

1. Is it true?

  • Did you hear it first hand or did your colleague say she heard it from this guy in the North Region who overheard his boss on the phone…you get the picture. If you can’t verify it, don’t repeat it.  And another thing, just because it is the truth does not mean it needs to be repeated. People don’t have a right to know everything (more on this later).

2. Is it confidential?

  • If someone told you something in confidence, bury it. Lock it up and throw away the key.  Here is a good test: If you find yourself saying, “You know I probably shouldn’t tell you this…”  THEN STOP! You’re right! You probably shouldn’t be saying it…even if it’s true

3. Is it kind?

  • This one is so simple. Is what you’re about to say going to build up or affirm someone or is it going to tear them down or embarrass them? If it is not kind, zip it…even if it’s true.

4. Is it necessary?

  • Is what you are about to say really necessary to the conversation or do we just want to use some words?  Be honest aren’t there times we want to be perceived as the person with some insider information? There are also times when we just want to hear ourselves talk. Fight the urge. Let the moment pass.

I have found that allowing my words to pass through these four filters causes me to say a whole lot less that I want to take back.

Navel Gazing

I was listening to syndicated financial talk show host Dave Ramsey today as I drove home from the office and, as he does in every broadcast, he shared a “quote of the day” with his listeners. I am a collector of quotes. I have collected them my entire life—a trait I inherited from my dad (along with a propensity to laugh at my own jokes). I even collect quotes that I don’t understand in hopes that one day I might be mature enough to understand them (honestly, my wife holds out very little hope for me in that area).

Nevertheless, it was a quote I had never heard before and I did not want to forget it. So I pinched the steering wheel between both knees, grabbed a pen and notepad, and balanced them on the horn so I could jot it down.

“He who considers his work beneath him will be above doing it well.”

So short.
So compact.
So true.

Haven’t you noticed someone like this…so put out that they have to do this “pathetic job”? Or, have you ever been this person? I have…and it’s not a very pretty place to be.

You see when we find ourselves with thoughts like this; guess who we are 100% completely focused on? Yep, you got it. Ourselves. And honestly, there are very few jobs that you will ever be successful at when your focus is on yourself.

So, change your perspective. Stop navel-gazing. Choose to place your focus on serving others and watch new opportunities come your way.

Remember the Titans

My bride loves to go to the movies.
I don’t.

I would rather sit in my own chair, eat my own popcorn, drink my own Coke, and the whole evening costs $3.00. But not Tina. When I tell her I am going to take her to the movies at “the big movie theater”, she pants like a lizard on a hot rock.

One of her favorite movies of all time is “Remember the Titans”. Ok, I admit it, I love it too. It is the story of a football team (and really an entire community) that comes face to face with racial reconciliation when a “white high school” and a “black high school” are merged into one school.

Two of the leading characters in the movie are two of the star football players on the team: one white athlete (who is the captain of the team) and one black athlete (who is a total football beast).

As the football team prepares for their season during a weeklong, off-site training camp, the racial tension among the players is very intense. At the height of the unrest, the two stars are about to tear each other apart and, the white player is yelling at the black player about his bad attitude. The black player shouts back, “Attitude reflects leadership, CAPTAIN!

It was a great moment in the movie and everyone in the audience was able to see how a leader can dramatically impact the whole atmosphere of a team (positively or negatively) by the attitude they bring to the table. Now, I define a leader as “anyone who has influence”…that’s you!

What attitude are you bringing…
…to your office?
…to your team?
…to your church?
…to your home?

Here is the great news…you are in total control of your attitude! Regardless of what is happening all around you – you still have total control over your attitude. Choose carefully. It makes a big difference.