Tag Archives: relationships

Perspective: It’s Funny How Things Change

Have you ever heard of Norman Vincent Peale? This Ohio-born preacher became one of the most influential clergymen of the 20th century, and even if his name doesn’t ring a bell, the title of the most popular of his dozens of books surely will: The Power of Positive Thinking. Published in 1952, the book is one of the all-time-bestselling self-help guides out there, with more than 20 million copies sold in 40-plus languages.

A well-circulated anecdote about Peale involves a man who phoned him one day, deeply depressed and looking for help. Peale invited the man to his office for a chat, during which the man told him he had nothing to live for anymore.

Peale smiled sympathetically at the distraught man sitting before him. “Let’s take a look at your situation,” he said, taking out a sheet of paper and drawing a line down the middle of the paper. He told the man on the left side they would list the things he’d lost in his life, and on the right, the things he had remaining.

“We won’t need that column on the right,” the man said. “There’s nothing in my life left to live for.”

So Peale asked the man when his wife left him. “She hasn’t left me,” the man replied, a bit taken aback. “Somehow, she still loves me.”

“Well, that’s a good start – ‘Wife Not Left,’” Peale wrote in the right-hand column. “Now, tell me, when did your children go to jail?”

“What?” the man asked, surprised. “My children aren’t in jail!”

“Great!” Peale replied, making more notes. “Then we’ve got another addition for things you haven’t lost – ‘Children Not in Jail.’”

After a few more questions along those lines, the man finally saw Peale’s point and even allowed a small smile. He said to Peale: “It’s funny how things change when you think of them that way.”

Learn to re-frame how you look at various situations and it is amazing to see how your perspective can change.

You Get What You Tolerate

We’ve all been there: Working or interacting on a regular basis with someone who always seems to suck everyone around them into a vortex of negativity. The tension, the underlying nasty currents, the whole vibe of the office, meeting, conference call, dinner table, wherever – just seems to shift the wrong way whenever they’re around. It’s like they bring a black cloud with them that darkens the atmosphere around them, too.

And over the past decade, scientific research has supported what everyone who’s ever regularly been in the presence of such a person has known in their gut: That emotions and attitudes are contagious – especially bad ones.

When we simply stand back and put up with negative environments or atmospheres and the behaviors that can cause them to flourish, whether that involves unprofessionalism or racism or rudeness, it’s on us to take a stand. To react. To speak up. To do or say something to address and fix (or start addressing and fixing) the problem.

But I don’t like to rock the boat!, you may be thinking. I don’t want to be a tattletale or part of office politics!

Fine. But don’t expect for things to change much, either. Why? Because you get what you tolerate.

If we do not try to influence a negative situation to make it better, we’ll keep getting what we’ve been getting. This concept doesn’t just apply to the workplace, either. You get what you tolerate in all aspects of life: marriages, relationships with children and other family members, friendships.

Here’s the key: Recognize the difference between thinking I want things to change and I want to change things. The difference is you – playing an active not a passive role.

Life Secret: Givers are Getters

I was visiting a friend in the hospital. I would love to tell you I was there because that’s just the kind of guy I am: one who visits others in the hospital, but that would be a lie. Truth be told, I had been having quite a pity party for myself. I had just lost my largest customer to a competitor, my retirement investments had taken a major hit in the market, I was worried about having to let some employees go in a bad economy, my car had logged 200,000 miles and was making funny noises, my son was developing a real attitude (and growing a Mohawk) – you get the idea.

While griping about all of this at a family gathering, my ever-wise mother-in-law looked me square in the eye and said, “David, sounds like you need to get your eyes off yourself.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Whenever I feel down, I just go and find somebody who is worse off than me, and I help them in some way,” she said. “You know what happens? My problems seem to shrink and I become very grateful for my blessings.”

Her words became the motivation to go to the hospital to visit a friend who was recovering from an illness. While I was there, a nurse came into the room and asked me to step out for a few minutes so she could take care of some tasks. I didn’t even want to know what that might entail – bedpans, bandages, and blood are all things I will gladly avoid.

So I began to roam the halls of the hospital. I wandered past the over-priced gift shop and meandered by the cafeteria. Eventually, I stumbled upon the interfaith chapel.

I pushed open the door, adorned with stained glass, and peeked inside. It was empty, so I stepped in. There was soft music playing, several rows of chairs, an altar with a kneeling pad, and a cross on the front wall with a table below it. On the table was a basket full of little cards upon which people had written their prayers.

Like a moth to light, I was drawn to the cards in the basket. I felt a little guilty as I picked one up, but I began to read it anyway: “If there is any way you can heal my baby, please, I beg you, do it.”

I picked up another: “Please take this away from my wife and give it to me.”

Card after card I read, my heart aching for people I would never know. Tears began to stream down my face as I continued to read. And then I came across a card I will never forget. Scrawled with a blue crayon were these words:

“Dear God, Please let Mommy live until Christmas. Love, Jenny”

My mother-in-law was right. Suddenly, I didn’t have any problems. I thought I had gone to the hospital to “help” someone else who was worse off than me, you know, to “give” of myself. And while my friend was touched that I had come to wish him well, I was the one who came away from the visit full. I received way more than I gave. That’s the secret that all givers know…in giving, you get.

Redefining Leadership: You ARE a Leader

Some people define leadership by a title. Others define a leader by the amount of responsibility or authority one has, or by how many people a person oversees. Sometimes, a leader has a combination of all of those.

I want to reframe the idea of what it means to be a leader, to help people understand that the idea of leadership isn’t just some lofty goal or state of being reserved for presidents, CEOs, and the rich.

No matter who you are, or what you do, or how much wealth or material possessions you have (or don’t), you have the ability to become a leader in your own life – and profoundly change it, and the lives of those around you, for the better.

While standards like title, responsibility, authority, financial standing or occupation can be universal measures to establish leaders, being a leader can have a much more subtle, but no less powerful, definition.

A leader is someone who has influence.

The key word in that sentence is influence – not power, not wealth, not status, not looks. Influence can equal leadership, for good or for bad. Of course, good leadership is what we’re striving for, and it boils down to positively influencing the situation.

Now, with a definition like that, who can be a leader? Anyone – even if they don’t have a title, occupation or demeanor that would necessarily imply it.

Take look at any group of kindergartners on the playground. Not one of those little stinkers has a title, but there is definitely someone in charge, influencing what is going on. While CEOs are certainly considered leaders, receptionists can be, too. Principals are definite leaders, but custodians can just as easily demonstrate leadership qualities in their jobs.

While the “traditional” view of leadership usually assigns most of it at the top of an organization or department (in theory, that is!), the best performing entities – whether they’re companies, clubs or sports teams – have members who demonstrate leadership at every level. These “leaders without the title” have latched on to the profound reality that because they have influence, they lead.

You have influence. Therefore, YOU ARE A LEADER. Use your influence to positively impact what is going on around you.  Lead well.

Be A Marvin

I had just finished an exhausting day of work. Three presentations — in one day — to three different customers — all in one city. Everything had to go perfectly and, thankfully, it had. I was finally on my way home. I dropped off my rental car and, bone-tired, trudged over to catch the bus that would take me to the airport.

As I climbed up the steps of the courtesy shuttle I was met by the most amazing deep, baritone voice, “Welcome aboard your escape from everything. Sit back. Relax. And enjoy the soothing sounds of some of the best jazz you have ever heard. Let these notes carry you away to a peaceful place, a beautiful retreat, an idyllic get away. My name is Marvin but you can call me ‘Velvet’ because my voice and my ride is smooooooth.”

Needless to say, me and all the other bleary-eyed road warriors, looked at each other with an “Is he for real?” expression on our faces. “In case you hadn’t noticed Marvin… er, Velvet, this is a shuttle bus not a stretch limo.”

Oh, but Marvin was just getting started. He introduced each song on his CD. Gave interesting background information about the artists. Asked if we had any requests. Played mini trivia games with us. Got us all interacting with him and with each other.

It was amazing to watch! In less than 10 minutes he had transformed the “same old boring shuttle ride with a bunch of tired strangers” into a positive, upbeat, fun experience.

As we exited, every single passenger thanked Marvin (of course, he was already up on his feet to high-five each one of us). He thanked us all for choosing his company, wished us all well in our endeavors, and asked that, when we returned, would we please, once again, allow him to serve us.

It was the single best rental car company experience of my life!!  And, trust me, I rent a lot of cars.  And the reason for my positive customer experience: not the reservation specialist when I made the reservation, not the counter agent who got me a map of the area, not the security guard as I pulled out of the lot who made sure I had the right vehicle and a full tank of gas…nope. It was the shuttle bus driver.

Will I do business with that car rental agency in the future? You bet I will! I’ll probably even wait an extra few minutes if the delay will allow me to ride on Marvin’s bus.

There is no such thing as an unimportant job. You have the ability, with whatever you do, to make it extraordinary. Choose to be a Marvin.